"Because it's a long, horrifying process to run for the nomination, candidates often like to have fun on the campaign trail. And a couple of days ago — this is great — Hillary Clinton, while she was flying on her campaign airplane, pretended to be a flight attendant. But that's not all. She was so convincing that Bill actually hit on her." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno

"All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, 'cause Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years." --Jay Leno

"Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she's not a real Democrat because she might actually win something." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton on Thursday visited Wellesley College and told students, 'This all-women's college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.' Although she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-Bush." --Seth Meyers

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama ... went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door -- not looking for votes, trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail ... Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying." --Jay Leno

"A new novelty item is now being sold. Get this, it's a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Yeah, Hillary calls the nutcracker silly, and Bill Clinton calls it chillingly lifelike"--Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. ... In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, 'There are worse things than infidelity.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah. Fidelity.'" --Jay Leno

"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. ... Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That's something Hillary hasn't felt in 20 years -- a man breathing down her neck." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that public appearances with her and Bill would be rare. The only thing more rare? Private appearances with her and Bill." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That's when you know you have a bad marriage -- when you have to put out a press release saying you'll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don't believe you" --Jay Leno